Cartoon Corner: Arthur Takes On Video Games

One of the most rewarding things about having children is that you get to (have to?) watch loads of dumb kid shows. I always get excited when I see video games in cartoons, because it's always amazing. Case in point: Arthur's "Arthur the Wrecker." Will Arthur become a hopeless Deep Dark Sea addict? Will he break a computer? Will he get in trouble? I'll answer all these questions and more in this incredible feature. (Spoiler: The answers are all "Yes.")

Warning: This is pretty much the longest thing ever, thanks to the ridiculously lengthy opening title sequence. Yes, I could have trimmed things down. But I didn't or something. Tah dah! This show needs to take a cue from Busytown Mysteries, which seems like a thrill ride by comparison.

We start out with Arthur and his dog ____ strutting down the street. There's kind of an Animal Crossing: Wild World thing going on with the ground, which is a pretty impressive video-game reference.

Look! It's Arthur! He is a jaunty little dude with poor eyesight. I can completely relate to this character.

Then, without warning, Arthur is thrown into the pages of a nightmarish scrapbook. It's not the work of necromancers or bad-guy wizards...

...it's Arthur's crappy sister D.W. She's pretty much the worst character in contemporary fiction. She also gets a lot of screen time, which is pretty great. I know crappy people need role models on TV, but they should have their own special channel so the rest of us don't have to suffer oh god she is so crappy.

All right. This intro takes forever, so I'm going to skip a bunch of it now. It seems as though its only purpose is to drill a Ziggy Marley song into your skull. It's super effective.

Just as a reference, this is what a real aardvark looks like. It's clear that Marc Brown didn't really know what an aardvark was before creating the character. Maybe he looked it up in the encyclopedia, but the entry didn't have an image. That's my working hypothesis.

OK. There's a bunch of hugging and photo-taking and whatnot, and it seems to go on forever. My kids love it, and they cry a bunch when I try to skip past it. This is the best part of the whole thing. Arthur and his friend Br'er Rabbit are swimming (with glasses, no less!), and it seems completely ordinary.

AND THEN THERE IS A SHARK!!

It is met with disgust and apprehension.

But wait it is only a smug rat. It's just a backstroke. No big deal.

All right! The episode is beginning. Arthur uses a cold open, kind of like Breaking Bad. It's dinner time at the Aardvark household. Unlike the dung-eating aardvark in the earlier photo, Arthur's family seems to eat normal food.

Look at him go! Arthur is in a huge rush because video games.

There it is! Arthur doesn't have time for consoles. He's a straight-up PC kind of guy. What's he playing, you ask?

It's Deep Dark Sea! Let's zoom in for a closer look. And let's do it quickly! That blotchy wall is freaking me out.

Deep Dark Sea is BioShock's little-known predecessor. It starred a treasure-hunting adventurer who was also a plasmid-wielding clone. 

It was most known for its intense set-piece moments, such as this battle against a fish-flinging octopus. Deep Dark Sea's developers went on to make Tambourine Rabbit.

Bleh. D.W.

Arthur and D.W. (yuck) are having a pretty intense session. According to the game's lore, there's some kind of incredible Easter Egg that nobody has ever seen. Is it one of those spinning hypnotist disks?! Have they found the secret?!

Nope.

It's the second phase of the octopus battle! Just when D. Ving Bell thinks he's safe, the octopus smashes through the wall. Also, that's technically a squid, right?

It's bed time. Arthur's control-freak parents micromanage every moment of his life. Don't worry about that radiation sign on the door. Come on in. But wait! Where's Arthur?!

Can't...stop...playinggggggggggggggggggggggg.

Boom. Title sequence with giant Arthur. Not pictured: Millions of people being killed in horrifying stomping incident.

Just as an aside, I've always wanted to sit in a cutout sign with my name on it. I'd wave like Miss America and everything. If I were Dan Ryckert, someone would be feverishly creating a cutout sign for me moments after I typed that. Oh well.

All right. Arthur is giving us some straight talk about the issues that matter most.

Or he's making up some nonsense about living in ancient Egypt.

Uh oh, An errant ball smacks the Sphinx's nose, knocking it off in one big nosey chunk. How did this ever happen?

It was Arthur.

Look! It's the Venus de Milo, but she still has arms oh boy I love this gag every time I see it. Ugh. D.W.

I'm not saying that Arthur broke off the arms or anything (lawyers), but it is interesting that Arthur just so happened to be close by. Interesting, indeed.

@#$%!&*

And then Arthur broke the Liberty Bell. He has squandered every time-traveling opportunity.

"Which is why I broke this window. Historical precedence!" 

No, he is not a tow truck. That was a little automotive reference for all you automobile fans out there.

That maggot D.W. is skating, and she falls down about a million times. It's a pretty satisfying sequence, and I watch it three times every morning before I get out of bed.

Unfortunately, she gets back up every time. Here comes Arthur!

Uh oh. Deep Dark Sea is back. Things are about to get completely messed up.

Here we see Arthur minding his own business while doing his best to ignore Sassy Dad.

Family meeting! No matter how he begs and pleads, Arthur's control-freak parents won't let him play more. So what if it's midnight?!

Fortunately, the game supports save states. Thanks, Cap'n Narcolepsy!

Uh oh. Sticky mouse. Somehow, I think D.W. is at fault here.

OK, I stand corrected. It's not a prank. It's actually a debilitating case of childhood carpal tunnel syndrome. Oh, cruel fates, he already has glasses! Why can't you leave poor Arthur alone?

Yikes! Arthur tries to pet good ol' _____, but he's committed Deep Dark Sea's incessant mouse-clicking to muscle memory. _____ isn't having any of it.

Mouse-clicking your pancakes?! Now I've seen everything!!!

Yuck. D.W.

Yuck. Pancake-syrup hand.

Hey! It's Kramer Quentin T. Rabbit! Come on in, bro!

Kid Rabbit has a hankerin' for some Deep Dark Sea, and Arthur is more than happy to oblige. The computer is on the other side of the longest living room on planet Earth.

Keep going...

You're almost there, guys...

Kid Rabbit is now complaining that he should have brought a canteen.

Fortunately, they've reached the end of their journey. Fun fact: Arthur goes through eight pairs of sneakers every month.

Son of a... Arthur's mom is on the computer. Even worse, she's using it to do the family's taxes! The only thing more boring than that would be browsing tile patterns on Bing.

Now that life isn't worth living anymore, Kid Rabbit and Arthur go outside. Nothing interesting ever happens outside, which is how you can tell they've completely given up on everything.

Sassy dad tells mom that she should leave and never come back. After some back and forth, mom compromises by saying she's going to work.

"But do not touch the computer no matter what."

Oh man. Just look at it. How could you possibly resist that thing?! Deep Dark Sea is only a few clicks away!

...

How the heck did that happen? It was probably a ghost or D.W. Now that it's on, it would be wasteful not to play Deep Dark Sea.

Blech.

D.W. uses one of her annoying threats to insinuate herself into the situation. 

HOLY CRAP! IT IS THE EASTER EGG! IT'S A COMPLETELY WELL-HIDDEN TREASURE CHEST! IT'S LIKE THAT TIME IN THE WIZARD WHEN THAT MUTE KID KNEW RIGHT WHERE TO DUCK IN SUPER MARIO BROS. 3!!!!!!

Arthur and Kid Rabbit share the moment in a heartwarming scene.

Actually, they're fighting. It's probably the most intense scene in the episode, aside from that swimming rat.

Aaaaaaaand the computer's keyboard falls onto the ground. No big deal, right?

Except it is a big deal!

Now what?

D.W. manages to make the whole incident about herself, in typical D.W. fashion. She makes up some elaborate scenario where she's taken away and has to live in poverty for the rest of her days. If that's the case, Arthur should have heaved the computer out the window years ago.

Fortunately for the episode, Kid Rabbit has a plan. To The Brain!

In case you're not an Arthurphile, The Brain is the smartest kid in town. He's really into tinkering and fixing things (!!!), which is why Arthur and Kid Rabbit think he'd be working on a car.

Nope! How about the library? Nope. P.S.: That kid in the background is just the worst. Right after D.W.

Could The Brain be at the science museum? gjsdpigh, nope!

Oh, he's at a pond, skipping rocks. That's a super-smart thing to do, by the way.

The Brain diagnoses the problem: The computer is broken. When I said that he was the smartest kid in town, it was by default.

Drama queen Arthur collapses onto the floor because the Aardvark family doesn't have a fainting couch.

Ish.

Mom's home! That's everyone's cue to leave. Thanks a lot for your help, Kid Rabbit. You're the best friend ever.

Mom apparently spends all day at work playing Minesweeper, so now she has to do work on the computer at home.

Huh.

OK then. This is Arthur's idea of punishment.

Tax time. Arthur's house of cards is about to collapse.

Arthur comes clean. Deep Dark Sea, Easter eggs, betrayal, D.W. stinks, and whatnot.

Great. There she is.

Aaaaaah. You just need to jiggle the thing. If aardvarks could blush, Arthur's weird face would be so red right now.

Aardvark mom now pulls the "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" move. That's a devastating move in real life. If you have kids, you should try it sometime. If not, keep it in your back pocket for later; it also works on grandparents.

Uh oh. Aardvark mom is being sucked into Deep Dark Sea's vortex. Can she escape its irresistible pull? (The answer is no. Look up the definition for irresistible if you don't believe me.)

Everyone sleeps while aardvark mom plays into the night. Sassy dad reaches over in bed to touch his wife, and feels only a cool sheet.

Somewhere, a coyote howls. Deep Dark Sea has claimed another victim.

~Fin~

Aaaaaaand that's it. I hope you learned a little something today. First, Arthur's credits are as long as his snout should be. Also, you should always tell the truth. If that doesn't work, try jiggling the thing. Finally, if you ever see a copy of Deep Dark Sea, you should avoid it all costs. If you were to visit Arthur's house right now, you'd find a bunch of skeletons.

Because everyone died because they couldn't stop playing the game. C'mon, try and keep up.