A Totally Serious Breakdown Of Elden Ring's New Trailer

 FromSoftware fans have spent the last two years repeatedly saying the name "Elden Ring" in front of a mirror, and it finally paid off today. The much-anticipated collaboration between the makers of Dark Souls and Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin reemerged from the abyss during today’s Summer Games Fest. We were treated to a flashy new trailer that showed off tons of gameplay, some tantalizing plot foreshadowing, not to mention a firm release date.

I’m excited to play it too, despite not being what I’d consider a FromSoftware "expert". Sure, I beat Bloodborne and have played various amounts Demon’s Souls, Dark Souls, and Sekiro (not finished, mind you) but I couldn’t tell you a thing about the lore or story about those games. That obviously makes me the perfect person to break down this trailer almost scene for scene. Enjoy my stream-of-consciousness style thoughts and reactions to Elden Ring’s latest gameplay showing, and I apologize in advance for what you are about to read.  

Holy crap, that’s got to be Elden Ring! No other game could have a horse sniffing a knight’s hand.

Screw finishing your stupid books, George. THIS is where you're needed most.

That tree is huge! And it’s glowing! That probably means it’s important. Is it Yggdrasil? That would be weird, right? It might serve the same life-giving function. I'll call it Yggdrasil 2.

Shots like this clearly suggest a much larger open-world, perhaps bigger than any previous FromSoftware title. I'm on board. 

This giant bell means this creature would perform poorly in stealth situations. What if it's someone's pet? People sometimes tie bells on their cats to keep tabs on them. Before you scoff, would that honestly be any weirder than some of the other things in this trailer? 

See that castle? You can probably ride to it. And maybe the one behind it too. 

Wow, this is pretty messed up. But I wonder, will you encounter such carts roaming around freely a la Red Dead Redemption or is this a scripted moment? And what sort of baddie gets monstrosities like these to pull them around? 

FromSoftware finally made pots I don't want to roll into. 

Here's the first of several unsettling enemies that make me want to kill it with fire as soon as possible. Also, notice how it's wearing a crown. It's not the last foe in the trailer to rock this look. Hmm...

I will abstain from making a lightsaber joke here. I'm far too classy for such low-hanging fruit. I want to know if this is this a one-time attack or can players conjure this powered-up sword anytime they want? And does it come in green?

We saw the protagonist summon his horse at will earlier in the trailer. While that feature is nothing new, what is exciting is how the player rode over a blue portal which launched him and his horse up steep cliff. Beside providing the perfect motivational poster image, that sounds very handy for getting around.

Okay, this is officially a Souls game now.

If you thought you were done fighting werewolves after Resident Evil Village, Elden Ring says "not so fast". Either that or Sif has completed its transformation from being a mere "dog with sword" to a full-on dog swordsman. 

The protagonist summoned that blue specter with a big cube, so it looks like you can call upon allies again. Whether or not they're just NPC or human players remains to be seen. 

The only thing worse than fighting a terrifying (though magnificent) dragon...

...is fighting a dragon that can catches lighting bolts like it's Zeus and attacks you with them!

I've dubbed this cool-looking enemy "Panther Paladin". I love his vibe, and I look forward to dying to him over and over again. 

We've seen this mysterious warrior in previous footage and turns out she’s no joke. Is she friend or foe? 

This jerk is the third or so character to refer to the player as "Tarnished", which he frames as an insult. Souls expert Dan Tack has passed me a cue card from beyond the grave (he's on vacation) saying he thinks the term is similar to the title of Ashen One in Dark Souls III. What do you think? 

This is exactly what I would imagine a Cuphead sequel by FromSoftware would look like. 

To the surprise of no one, Elden Ring looks to have quite a few building-sized adversaries. 

The new Cainhurst Castle? What's with all the ethereal wisps surrounding it?

Good to know that you can still play a mage, or at the very least perform magical attacks, in Elden Ring. 

That ghostly stag is cool and all, but check out those Wolverine claws on the player! 

This dignified woman regally sits on a throne and is flanked by a menacing knight. They're probably not important. 

This bookworm is doing the same thing we all are: pouring through every fan theory about what the heck is going on in Elden Ring. 

Yeah, that giant hand monster is a big pile of “Nope”. 

What's with the creepy giant hand creatures?! And why is he naked? Is the hand trying to cover him up? I can live with that, actually.

Wait a second...that's the guy that was standing next to the probably-not-important lady! He is a big deal! And he's angry at me for suggesting otherwise!