GI Roast: Super Mario Bros. Edition

Welcome to the first GI Roast, a new series that takes a look at some of gaming's favorite franchises and pokes fun where poking is due. What better place to start than the oddball characters that inhabit the world of Nintendo's famous plumber?

Mario
We start our roast with the star of the show, Mario. With a list of feats as long as Mario's, it's hard to make fun of the guy. According to the Super Mario Bros. film, Mario's full name is Mario Mario, which is really more of a knock on his uncreative parents than Mario himself. Nope, Mario is a hero through and through, and the sadistic obstacle courses he traverses on a daily basis shame every other video character in the business. His only downside is that he's a bit of an egomaniac. When he's not saving Princess Peach, Mario can't stay out of other games.

We get it, Mario, you're talented. You're a star in every sport known to man, you've dabbled in role-playing games – you even have your own Dance Dance Revolution game. Give someone else a chance.

You can't steal the spotlight from Mario, though. No matter what the side project is, it's always called "Mario [insert activity here]," even though all of his friends are participating too, and usually outshine his middle-of-the-road performances. Who really picks Mario in a Mario-themed spinoff? His stats are always the definition of average.

Mario's need for attention has even caused him to seek out a variety of screwball careers. Over the years he's served as a boxing referee, an archaeologist, the president of a toy-making company – the only thing we haven't seen him do is actual plumbing work. He even pretended to be a doctor for awhile – which is illegal, by the way. Not only did his heroics effectively trounce Sonic's career, but then he insisted on competing against the hedgehog in every Olympics games since 2007. Do you know how full of yourself you have to be to challenge Sonic to a race?

Also, your parties stink.

Princess Peach
Princess Peach is one of the most recognizable female characters in video games, and has always been portrayed as a kind and thoughtful individual. While I love her as much as any character in the Mario series, let's be honest: she's clearly having an affair with Bowser. No one gets kidnapped from their own castle that often without taking some security measures. You're the princess of Mushroom Kingdom, for crying out loud – you can't even get a whistle?

Every time Mario turns his back, however, Princess Peach is getting carried away by King Koopa again, requiring the plumber to go on another lengthy adventure to get her back, often taking the most circuitous route one could imagine. How do Bowser and Peach spend all that time alone together? Whatever they're doing, it can't be that unpleasant if Peach is still willing to partake in the occasional tennis match or go-kart race with him after Mario "rescues" her.

Even more damning is the fact that Princess Peach is a formidable fighter in her own right – she floated her way through Super Mario Bros. 2, no problem. But when Bowser shows up on her doorstep with a canvas sack, all of a sudden she's helpless? Helplessly in love, maybe.

Our suggestion to Mario? Get a book that explains what Stockholm syndrome is, then step aside so these two lovebirds can end the charade.

Bowser
I don't really have anything bad to say about Bowser; he manages to kidnap Princess Peach with stunning regularity, which makes him more competent than most of the characters on this list. He just needs to work on his endgame a little.

The reason Bowser is on this list is because of his kids. Bowser's kids, also known as the Koopalings, are the most pathetic bunch of degenerate screw-ups I've ever seen. Any respect you have for Bowser has to be diminished by the knowledge of how muddy the waters of his tainted gene pool run. I suspect that's the reason we've never heard hide nor hair of any kind of mother to these mutants – I'd disavow any responsibility for their creation, too.

Bowser, the "survived by" section of your obituary is going to be grim, buddy. We hope you live for a long, long time, if only to prolong the inevitable downfall of the Koopa race at the hands of your dim-witted heirs.

Luigi
Luigi gets a lot of crap for living in Mario's shadow. He deserves every bit of it. Luigi started out life as a palette swap. He only exists to accommodate a second player, who is invariably disappointed that they have to be Luigi.

Unless you're playing with vacuum cleaners or learning about geography, Luigi, your brother is always going to take center stage. This is evident by the nicknames you've been endowed with over the years, including: Mama Luigi, King of Second Bananas, and The Eternal Understudy. You were even dubbed The Great Dweeb – by a Goomba no less!

The coolest Luigi ever appeared to be was in the Super Mario Bros. movie, and he was being played by John "The Pest" Leguizamo. I don't know what kind of black magic Luigi used to get Daisy, but she can do better.

Yoshi
Unlike Mario's no-good brother, Yoshi is the quintessential sidekick. I couldn't think of a companion I would want at my side more than this ever-faithful lizard.

This isn't so much a roast of Yoshi as it is an intervention. Yoshi, you've got a serious problem. Before you and Mario traipsed all over Dinosaur Land trying to save your imprisoned reptilian friends from Bowser's inept offspring in Super Mario World, you were using your own eggs as projectile weapons in Yoshi's Island. We understand that you were only trying to save baby Mario, no matter what the personal cost. Take a cue from Meatloaf, though, and realize that there are some things that you shouldn't even do for love. Using your unborn babies as ammunition is one of them. We love you Yoshi – get help.

Toad
The only thing worse than having to play a Mario-themed game as Luigi is having to play one as Toad. Toad is the ultimate lackey. In the early games, his job was to serve as a decoy kidnap victim. Bowser didn't even want the little fungal servant; he basically just used Toad as a tool for griefing Mario. His only memorable performance in the Super Mario Bros. series has been to break the news to Mario that the person he really wants to see is in a different castle. Not the mushroom-headed jerk he's stuck with. In Super Mario Bros. 2, his big strength was being able pick stuff up quickly. Lackey.

Up Next: The enemies of Mushroom Kingdom...

Goomba
Goombas are the most recognizable enemies in Super Mario Bros., an honor they are completely undeserving of. Goombas are so completely inept that you can literally just stand out of the way of them and they'll walk into a hole. Just right in a hole, plummeting to their deaths without even a change in their stupid expressions.  

Goombas are so inconsequential that their name is an Italian racial slur, and as far as I can tell Nintendo has never received any complaints about it because no Italian person cares enough to get angry about it. Why sweat a creature that's going to be dead five seconds after it appears on screen?

Koopa Troopa
The second to last rung on the evolutionary ladder, Koopa Troopas are also prone to walking off ledges completely unprovoked. Their shells make them more resilient than Goombas, but Koopa Troopas really only pose a threat to players that are stupid enough to kick them into a wall without getting out of the way first. What does that say about your worth as a henchman when that's your greatest offensive attack? And don't place one of these guards near a set of stairs, unless you want your enemy to end up with unlimited lives. At least the red-shelled Koopa Troopas are capable of turning around when they get to the edge of a platform. Quite the marvelous feat.

I will give Koopa Troopa one thing – he was always a serious contender back in the Super Mario Kart days. Too bad he got cut from the roster for Mario Kart 64.

Boo
I've always loved Boo's whacky, carefree attitude, and his ability to inject a little humor into Mario's romps through the series' eerier levels. You can tell Boos really love their job, but they seriously need to work on their self confidence. Save for a few of Mario's power-ups, Boos are invincible, yet anytime they're about to close in and finish the hero off, they hide their face as soon as the plumber looks at them. Even Big Boos are babies. Maybe it's time to invest in a self help book, guys.

Chargin' Chuck
Chargin' Chuck isn't fooling anyone. His name might make him sound like an athletic superstar, but the dude wears a football helmet and then throws baseballs. What the hell is that? Clearly Chuck is faking an interest in sports to seem cool, as if Bowser's other stooges set a high bar.

You could make the case that maybe Chargin' Chuck is trained in more than one sport, and he's using all of his athletic abilities to stop his foe. I might believe that, if Mario didn't use Chuck's head as a springboard every time he encounters him. Not to mention the fact that he's never showed up in any of the Mario sports games. Nice reflexes, Bub.

Dry Bones
I don't even want to make fun of Dry Bones, since his life is such a living hell. Dry Bones' entire existence consists of wandering around dungeons, getting stomped into a pile of bones, and then slowly resurrecting himself to start the process over again. He's Nintendo's version of Sisyphus, only more pitiful. If Dry Bones was capable of speech, the first words he would utter would be "kill me!" Not even fireballs can put this sad sack out of his misery. Please, if you see one of these guys limping along in life and you have an invincibility star to spare, do the right thing and end his suffering.

Chain Chomp
We love you, Chain Chomp, but you're a ball and chain that barks like a dog. Even in a world of freaks you still stand out as a confusing abomination.

Fishin' Lakitu
The regular Lakitu is a formidable opponent. He floats atop the screen in his own personal storm cloud, terrorizing Mario with an unending shower of Spiny Eggs. Fishin' Lakitu takes it one step too far by being a total d***. He tantalizes Mario with a 1-Up on the end of a fishing pole, only to start chucking his deadly ammo if the Italian plumber goes for it. Even if the player is hip to Fishin' Lakitu's shtick, the floating jerkface will swoop down and try to force the forbidden 'shroom onto Mario, requiring him to duck and jump out of the way.

If that's not enough, Fishin' Lakitu is also a pedophile. That's right, you heard me. In Yoshi's Island, the cloud-riding pervert uses his fishing pole to snag baby Mario off of Yoshi's back, and then tries to float away with the captive newborn to the unseen horrors waiting back at his lair. What kind of creep steals a baby with a fishing pole?!

In what we can only assume is some form of work release program, Fishin' Lakitu has put his fishing pole shenanigans to good use as well, using it to maneuver cameras and signs in spin-off games, and to rescue drowning racers in the Mario Kart games. That doesn't really make up for baby-snatching though, does it?

Waluigi
You know what? We're not even playing this game. Waluigi makes the other reject enemies on this list look like the A-Team.