GIDan Blog

Quantifying Your Nerdiness

2010-03-11T18:52:00Z

I'll preface this blog by admitting its contents could likely earn me an official diagnosis for obsessive-compulsive disorder. For some reason, I've always been obsessed with the "hours played" tally on my games. Some people actively avoid looking at their play time for fear of the "holy crap, I've wasted X hours of my life doing this?," but I'm the absolute opposite. If I'm about to go to bed and I see my hours tally for Mass Effect 2 is at 19 hours and 35 minutes, I think to myself "Well, if I just play 25 more minutes I'll be at an even 20 hours." Back in college, I even made a giant Word document in which I listed every game I could ever remember playing, and proceeded to estimate my hours count for each.

I'm not really sure where this obsession came from. I think it comes from when I was younger and didn't have much in the way of disposable income, so every game purchase was a huge decision for me. When I would read a review that stated "Devil May Cry should take you 20 hours to beat," that made me more comfortable with a purchasing decision. If I knew I'd be spending at least 20 hours on a game, that made it much easier to talk myself into buying it. After all, I wouldn't want to relive my nightmare of paying $50 for State of Emergency and playing it for about two hours.

When I look at my Borderlands play time and see 100+ hours, that makes me think "Wow, this game has given me almost a week's worth of entertainment...that's awesome." I don't think of it as time wasted, I see it as an objective reminder of how great a game is. If a game like Mass Effect 2, Oblivion, or Fallout 3 can keep me interested for 30, 40, or 50+ hours, that's a sign of an amazing gaming experience.

Here's where it gets ridiculous. If I play a game for a certain amount of time and it's not going towards my official tally, I'll let the game run for the appropriate time when I am back on my profile. For instance, if I play Street Fighter IV for two hours at a friend's house, I'll leave mine on the menu screen for two hours when I get home. The most extreme example of this was when 220 hours of Soul Calibur data was mysteriously deleted from my Dreamcast VMU. Sure enough, I left it on the menu screen for over nine days once I started my new file (and then pumped over 200 more hours into the game after that).

During the last generation of consoles, EA introduced a new feature called the "EA Profile." It was meant to track your stats, records, and play time across all EA Sports titles. I was thrilled when I heard this, and hoped it would be the first step towards all games tracking hours played. Unfortunately, it turned out that I was one of the only ones who gave a crap about the feature, as it quietly disappeared and was never heard from again.

To this day, I'm still hoping for the next generation of systems to include an hours tally within the framework of the console. Current systems already add up your achievement points and trophies into one overall score (which has unsurprisingly turned into another obsession for me). Imagine being able to see your total hours played of gaming across the board, or even your hours spent playing a specific genre of game. Taking that idea even further, what about stats for total kill/death ratio across all games with multiplayer deathmatch, or total win/loss record throughout all fighting games? I think it would be amazing to see such a comprehensive array of stats that would display your gaming habits in such an objective manner.

Or maybe I'm just going to turn into that guy who checks to make sure his door is locked 300 times a day.

Overheard: Tim Turi Plays Mega Man 10 Edition

2010-02-24T22:33:00Z

Last August, Game Informer hired five new associate editors. They threw three of us (Tim Turi, Phil Kollar, and myself) in the same room, so we've grown very familiar with each others' gaming interests. One thing that Phil and I have learned over and over and over again is that Tim really likes Sonic and Mega Man. The latter obsession may not quite reach the almost-creepy depths of his hedgehog fetish, but it's nonetheless present. Bring up any Mega Man boss to him and you'll be sure to hear him hum the level's tune for a good two or three minutes, followed by hours of him listening to Sonic & Knuckles music on YouTube.

It should come as no surprise that he was extremely excited for Mega Man 10's release. I sat next to him while he reviewed the game, enduring well over a dozen hours of looping Mega Man music. In the picture above, you might notice that he has three televisions set up around his desk. This is because he was obsessed with finding the perfect TV with absolutely no input lag whatsoever (you may also notice disturbingly well-worn stuffed animals of Sonic and Tails...and just out of the frame is a Werehog action figure).

Take a look below for some of the choice phrases Mr. Turi uttered while playing the Blue Bomber's latest adventure.

Tim: "I gotta go get a new TV"
Dan: "Why?"
Tim: "There's a three millisecond input lag."
Me (trying it): "Yeah but you get used to it right away."
Tim: "Not the way I play, dude."

(Adam walks up with a question about Tim's Sonic the Hedgehog 4 preview. Tim responds with the most Tim Turi statement ever uttered)
Tim: "Get this out of the way before I take on this Robot Master. What's the deal with this Sonic thing?"

"Who would you kill with a baseball?"

"Would you use thunder on electricity or ice?"

"You know what I'm gonna do because I'm smart? Kill myself."

"Well I gotta...with the Robot Master...if he...it's just...don't talk to me."

"Don't...don't do this to me."

"Did I tell you that Strike Man worked perfectly on Sheep Man? That was exciting."

"Thunder Wool does not work on Chill Man. I am fighting Chill Man right now."

"You can get a lot of hits on this guy. But he will **** you."

"****! I just...I'm losing my mind."

"Ah...that ****...ah...oh Jesus Christ. Really? **** you."

Dan: "This is Pump Man?"
Tim: "Yes. I pegged him as the doofus of the bunch."

"They just can't let a good head lie. They have to throw in a pump."

"Oh no...he's going to soak up my weapon. I can't shoot him in the sun."

Annette: "Oh ok, so the trucks only come when you step on those things."
(Tim does not step on said things. However, he nonetheless proceeds to get hit by three consecutive buses)
Tim: "Thanks, Annette. I just got hit by a bus because of you."

"Oh no, Mega Man has Robo-enza! He just sneezed an adorable little robot sneeze!"

"Dr. Wily should really invest in an upper lip."

(Tim approaches a boss door with very low energy)
Me: "Just use an energy tank."
Tim: "But that makes me feel bad."

"Now I’m gonna go get that thing and probably still get hit by that other thing"

“**** this soccer ball! You have a shield! Use it!”

"Why is Proto Man such a *****?"

“This level is making me its *****.”

"Double damage Robot Master Strike Man...starring me."

"The chain continues...strike works on sheep. Because baseballs work on sheep."

"There's no weird soccer balls in this level. Because it's sheep."

"What do you want? I know you're just gonna goop on me again."

"Just watch this. Watch this. Watch him get ****ed. Pump Man works on Solar Man. BOOSH!"
(yes, Tim said "Boosh!")

Enough With The Skull Masks, Already

2010-02-05T16:00:00Z

Ghost looked pretty lame even from the first time you saw him in Modern Warfare 2. He was kind of that cliche, forced "ooh, check out this mysterious badass" character that really didn't add anything to a story that was convoluted and sub-par to begin with. Then Rios and Salem had to come back in a sequel no one wanted, and there they are, right on the cover with stupid skull masks. Enter Halo: Reach, with Emile bringing the skull mask look to space. It's like the video game version of an Affliction or Ed Hardy shirt...they look stupid but you still see them everywhere.

We all know the video game industry loves to beat things into the ground (see: zombies), so let's end this trend now before every shooter looks like this:

Want To Mess With Your Parents? Use Technology They Don't Understand

2009-12-26T21:10:00Z

My dad has told me numerous times that I have an uncanny ability to mess with people, and unfortunately for him a lot of my efforts are directed his way. He took a nap yesterday and I decided to pass the time by exploiting his lack of technology knowledge to give him a good scare. For the previous week, I had transferred 30+ gigabytes of music to his new laptop, and I used that as the basis for this prank. I created a fake Gmail account called "americanmusiciansalliance@gmail.com" and sent this with subject line "AMA File Transfer Warning":

Mr. Paul Ryckert,

My name is Jonathan Bachmann and I represent the American Musicians Alliance of America. We are writing in regards to a large amount of DRM-encoded files that have been transferred to your Toshiba L505D-S5983 laptop beginning on the 20th of December, 2009. Over 30 GB of .mp3 files with URL origin www.thepiratebay.org have been transferred en masse to your hard drive beginning in this period and continuing for several days. This past April, a lawsuit filed by the American Musicians Alliance, International Federation of the Phonographic Industry, and the Recording Industry of America deemed the practices of www.thepiratebay.org to be criminal and the proceeding trial found them guilty on all counts (http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2009/apr/17/the-pirate-bay-trial-guilty-verdict).

Due to this verdict, all files of .mp3, .wmv, .mp4, .avi, and .mov format with URL tracking origin www.thepiratebay.org are illegal and subject to prosecution. Via a content freeze warrant obtained by the State of Kansas, we have frozen the current hard drive status of your Toshiba L505D. No suit has been filed, but we request that you provide proof of ownership of the original files. There is no legal obligation for this, although further warrants and possible charges can be filed if you do not take this action by the 15th of January, 2010. Please respond to this email with .pdf files showing original ownership of the .mp3 files transferred since 12/20/2009.

Thank you for your time and cooperation,

Jon Bachmann
American Musicians Alliance

I saved the message as a draft so I could send it while I was at the bar with him later on, thus giving me an alibi of "How could I have sent that? I was at the bar with you!" (keep in mind, a lot of parents probably don't understand the concept of drafts).

While at the bar, I snuck into the bathroom and sent the email. I didn't expect him to read it until we got back home, but as I sat back down at the bar I saw him staring at his Blackberry with an incredibly concerned face. He turned the screen and had me read it. Not wanting the rest of the night to revolve around him freaking out, I told him not to worry about it and that we'd deal with it when we got back home.

Things didn't work like that. For the next hour or so, he freaked out about the email, asking me about what a "content freeze" was and whether or not he was going to get sued. He bought it hook, line, and sinker despite several blatant giveaways (the Gmail address, the "content freeze" term which I don't think is a real thing, etc.). We went to another bar and he spent the entire drive asking me questions about the situation. Everything that came out of my mouth was BS and I just used technology terms out of context knowing that he wouldn't understand how little sense I was making. It made no sense that they would ask for a .pdf file showing ownership of the files, but he believed it as long as I made it sound confusing enough.

Originally, I intended to stretch this out for a few days just to see what his responses to "Jon Bachmann" would be. I was even ready to provide him with an "American Musicians Alliance" phone number for him to call, which would just be an out-of-town friend of mine pretending to be one of their representatives. Unfortunately, his concern was way too much and I couldn't stand to make him suffer any longer. He spent a good twenty minutes on the phone talking to his girlfriend about it, and I finally just told him "Well it's a good thing I'm just ****ing with you about all this." Deservedly, I received an immediate hard punch to the arm and a lot of "You son of a *****!" exclamations.

I told him that if we had stretched it out further, "Jon" would have requested that he drop his hard drive off at the AMA office at the local City Hall. That doesn't make any sense for a variety of reasons, but he still said he would have done it. So kids, take this as an example...if you need to screw with your parents, use technology. It'll scare them no matter how little sense you're making.

Things In My Mom's House That I Don't Understand

2009-12-21T23:53:00Z

I'm back in Kansas City for a couple weeks to spend some time with my family and celebrate the holidays. As such, I'm spending a lot of my time at my mom's house for the first time since high school. Most of my time has been spent playing video games with my sisters, but they're over at their dad's place tonight so I've had a chance to take a look around the house I spent most of my formative years in.

Now, I know my mom's always been into weird decorating and furniture that I don't understand at all, but apparently some sort of crazy crafty switch went off after I left for college. Considering that I don't ever plan on living in a place with anything fancier than white walls and a couch for playing video games on, I might as well be visiting Jupiter when I walk into this house. Here are a few of the items that especially confounded me.

1. Chandelier made out of what appears to be saltine crackers

2. Jewel-encrusted indoor birdbath

3. Suspended candle in some kind of weird bondage cage

4. Weird stick bundle things EVERYWHERE

5. Snuggie For Dogs. Also, the fact that our dog seems to actually like it

6. This laptop cover

7. Whatever the hell this thing is

8. Everything that's happening in this picture (weird bead things in the doorway, arbitrary hubcap, ceramic head of LeBron James, etc)

9. This crap

10. The least practical mirrors ever

11. Framed photo of a squirrel

12. Bowl of what appears to be crabapples (next to another weird bundle thingy)

13. Unnervingly colorful bathroom

14. Bronze fish carrying bowl of disco balls

I could probably add 50 more, but my head is hurting too much from trying to figure out why she owns all this crap. Luckily, I brought home some things that I definitely do understand:

My Ten Favorite (Not "Best") Games Of All Time

2009-11-20T21:13:00Z

Putting together our list of the Top 200 Games of All Time gave me plenty of time to think about the games that have had the biggest impact on me throughout my life. Our collective list for issue 200 factored in many things...how the game has aged, its cultural impact and effects on the gaming industry, whether or not it revolutionized or started a genre, etc. Deciding on the games and their placement was an involved and time-consuming process. Sitting in these meetings, I debated making a case for several games but realized my support for them was based more on my personal enjoyment and experience with them than whether or not they were "better" than others. Just because I like Twisted Metal 2 infinitely more than the original Halo, that doesn't mean I have an argument for it being placed higher on the list.

I'm happy with how our list turned out, and it made me think of what I would consider my ten favorite games of all time. Favorite is the operative word here...I'm making no claims about any of these games being better or more important than any other, these are simply the ones that hit me at the perfect age and stuck with me ever since.

1. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (SNES, 1991)

I received my first NES when I was four and played obsessively ever since, but I still credit this game with starting my true love of the industry. Playing Mega Man, Punch-Out, and Super Mario 3 was some of the most fun I had as a kid, but none of that compared to the first time I booted up Link to the Past and wandered Hyrule in the rain. One look at my face in this article's header image should clearly show how much I loved this game (and hell, all that excitement was just for receiving a strategy guide). Link's SNES debut had a certain visual charm, an unforgettable soundtrack, the best dungeons in the series, and intense boss battles. Hyrule's Overworld was littered with secrets, and in those pre-internet days it felt like I was stumbling onto some undiscovered treasure every time I heard that trademark chime. Dashing around the Dark World with my Pegasus Boots, unleashing angry bees on enemies, knocking guards off platforms with a well-thrown pot to the back of the head, and avoiding that thief jerk in the Lost Woods are just a few of the fond memories I have. Booting up old games for an hour or so of nostalgia is commonplace for me, but I make a point of beating Link to the Past in its entirety at least a couple of times a year. Every time I do, I'm amazed at how well its aged and I'm reminded of why it's my favorite game of all time.

2. Metal Gear Solid series (PSone, PS2, PS3, 1998-2009)

Yeah yeah, I know I'm lumping four games into one entry, but I didn't want 40% of my Top 10 list to be from one series. Depending on the day, I seem to have a different opinion on how to rank these games...there's an argument for each of them being the best. Metal Gear Solid was a first-of-its-kind experience that proved video games could be cinematic and feature production values on par with Hollywood movies (it also featured the best collection of bosses in any game ever, arguably). Sons of Liberty presented one of the most complex and rewarding storylines ever seen in the industry, featured a vastly underrated villain (Solidus Snake), and shocked fans with one of the biggest surprises in gaming history. Ratcheting down the techno-babble and confusion of its predecessor's plot, Snake Eater instead shifted towards an easily understandable yet emotionally powerful story, capped off with what I consider the best ending in gaming. With Guns of the Patriots, Hideo Kojima pulled off the impossible by tying up the multitude of loose ends presented by the first three games in the series. I could spend hours debating with myself over which is the best MGS game, but I know for sure that each of them belongs extremely high on my all-time favorites list.

3. Goldeneye 007 (N64, 1997)

My first experience with Goldeneye 007 was playing through the Dam level at a Target kiosk. I hadn't heard much buzz about the game, and was just planning on killing some time while my mom got groceries. As I shot the first guard, I remembered being amazed that he responded based on where I shot him. PP7 shot to the arm, he holds his arm...bean him in the head and he drops like a bag of sand...give him a bullet to the groin and you're met with a sufficiently hilarious ball-grabbing animation. I immediately threw my Genesis copies of Boogerman, WWF Royal Rumble, Ren & Stimpy, and many more into a box and ran off to Funcoland to grab a Nintendo 64, four controllers, and 007. It became an after-school tradition for years around the neighborhood, as we'd eat candy and popcorn until we had memorized all the spawn points in the Bunker (and subsequently annoying each other by placing proximity mines on all of them). It may not have aged gracefully, but it was the first console FPS that really grabbed me and many others.

4. Soul Calibur (Dreamcast, 1999)

Most fighting games get shelved after you've beaten the game with every character, unlocked every secret, or some hot new brawler gets released. This wasn't the case regarding my experience with Soul Calibur, as I played it religiously for years and years after it released on September 9th, 1999. I played thousands of 8-on-8 Team Battles all the way through college, and at one point went on a two-year undefeated streak in the University of Kansas dorms. When my friend Troy finally beat me (I don't remember how, but I'll assume it was a fluke), he actually ran up and down the halls screaming about his victory. If a fighter remains that fun years after its release, you know it's doing something right.

5. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N64, 1998)

Considering my love of Link to the Past, I had extremely high hopes for Link's N64 debut. I was skeptical about whether they'd be able to bring the magic and charm of 2D Zelda to a 3D world, but Nintendo knocked it out of the park with this classic. Navigating through two different timelines was a great alternative to the Light World/Dark World element from its predecessor, the music was just as memorable (if not moreso), and boss fights were an entirely different beast in three dimensions. Riding across Hyrule Field on Epona and seeing the sun set for the first time is one of my favorite gaming moments ever, and Ocarina of Time set the standard for all 3D adventure games to come.

6. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (PSone, 1997)

My experience with Symphony of the Night is a rare one, as I didn't play the game until three or four years after it was released. On most occasions, this results in a "well, I see how this game was great for its time, but I don't really want to play it now" attitude. This wasn't the case with Alucard's adventure, as it fascinated me just as much as it most likely would have in 1997. My first look at the game was when a co-worker of mine played it at Gamestop. He was fighting the giant sphere of corpses, and I remember thinking it looked like a great boss battle. I took the game home and immediately became obsessed with collecting items and achieving the elusive 200.6% completion stat. Thanks to its art style, great soundtrack, and timeless gameplay, Symphony of the Night still holds up today.

7. Twisted Metal 2 (PSone, 1996)

In 1996, there was nothing on the planet that sounded cooler to my 12 year-old mind than a homicidal clown that shoots missiles out of an ice cream truck, runs over mimes, torches the Louvre, and blows up the Eiffel Tower. The sheer amount of comic violence and downright silliness in David Jaffe's ultimate car combat title struck a certain chord in my adolescent brain that no other game could. Equally fascinated with the sick sense of humor and the solid, arcade-like gameplay, I have enough fond memories of this game to cement it high on my list of all-time favorites.

8. Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2 (PC, 2000)

At no point in my life have I considered myself a PC gamer. I never had a PC capable of running games while they were relevant, so I was always stuck playing games like Half Life five or six years after they had released (or even worse, via watered-down console ports). For the most part, I entirely ignored PC gaming until my cousin had me play the original Red Alert on PSone. Playing an RTS on the pre-Dual Shock controller was a chore, but I loved the gameplay so much that I finally broke down and bought a video card when Red Alert 2 released. On top of being one of the only PC games I ever got into, it was also my first experience extensively playing a game online. Deathmatches were so fun that entire nights would melt away in what felt like no time at all, and I'd even spend hours creating my own absurd (and often impractical) maps.

9. Mortal Kombat II (Genesis, 1993)

My first experience with the original Mortal Kombat caused me to run around the playground at recess regaling my classmates with descriptions of the gory fatalities, followed by getting in trouble for drawing Raiden's head-popping finisher in colored pencil during class. After being in full-blown obsessive mode for a long time over that first title, I couldn't have possibly been more excited for its sequel. I remember waiting in line behind dozens of gamers at the Fun Factory in Kansas on the day it released, trying to stand on my toes to see how Sub Zero and Kung Lao would brutally off their opponents. When I finally got to play, it delivered on all my expectations. Like Twisted Metal 2, it struck a perfect balance of solid gameplay and a wicked sense of humor. My love of the game only intensified when I managed to buy a working arcade cabinet of MKII from a pizzeria a few years ago.

10. Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! (NES, 1987)

The majority of my gaming before the 16-bit era consisted primarily of Super Mario Bros. and Mega Man, but there were always nights I felt daring enough to go after Iron Mike Tyson. I'd stay over at my friend Timmy's house and we'd sit in his basement, trying for hours to take down the future convicted rapist, ear-biter, and all-around madman. He seemed as impossible to beat in the game as he was in real life during that era, and to this day I've never had my hand raised in victory against him. Despite my constant failures against Tyson, I got a rush every single time I connected with a well-timed body blow during Bald Bull's rush attack. I still consider the buildup to his massive uppercut to be one of my most intense memories in gaming, and seeing his eyes bulge as he dropped to the ground was a moment of absolute victory.

Get A Rare Achievement And Free Loot In GI Borderlands Session

2009-11-18T17:39:00Z

I mentioned in my print review of Borderlands that I'd be offering a rare achievement and some nice weapons to our readers, so here's the info. Send me an Xbox Live friend request at ExileOnMassSt with "GI Borderlands" in the message, and I'll begin sending game invites to readers starting at 10pm CST on Sunday, November 22nd (I cleared room for about 24 people, so if you don't get added that means it's filled up). I'll be online until midnight at least, and I'll keep rotating participants every 30 minutes. Immediately upon joining the game, you'll receive the "...And They'll Tell Two Friends" achievement for playing with someone that has played with an employee of Gearbox. In addition, I'll be giving out plenty of free loot and weapons. This will be on a fairly high level playthrough, so bring your best character if you're interested. See you in Pandora!

DK Mode Throughout American History

2009-11-03T18:39:00Z

If you're in your mid-20s like me, there's a good chance you spent entirely too much time in junior high playing Goldeneye 007 on the Nintendo 64. While it had a massive assortment of cheats, the easiest to achieve was certainly DK Mode. Rare had the Donkey Kong license, so they decided to include this comical mode that made every character's body proportions match those of DK. In honor of Goldeneye 007, we take a look at DK Mode throughout American history.

Also...I'm easily amused.

We All Suck At Fighting The Boss Of Tekken 6

2009-10-27T21:58:00Z

Tekken 6 is a fun fighting game. However, it subscribes to the old "the final boss needs to be ludicrously cheap" mindset that's been in place as long as the genre has existed. From Shao Kahn to Street Fighter IV's Seth, the overpowered boss with almost impossible-to-block attacks has been a staple that even hardcore fighting fans can have trouble with.

After being bested by Tekken 6's Azazel a downright silly amount of times, I thought I'd pull some other GI staffers in to see how they fared against the spiky beast's lasers, somersaults, and spikes. Here are some choice words they had to say during their experience.

TIM TURI:

"It's like some kind of ****ing crystal dragon jackal"

"This is not a fair fight."

ANNETTE GONZALEZ:

"What the **** is that? I can't shoot ****ing lasers. This is stupid."

"What the **** is...wait...go to hell...oh, **** this."

JEFF MARCHIAFAVA:

"Weird...my little Japanese schoolgirl isn't beating this giant demon."

"I think I hit him once."

JEFF CORK:

"This guy is the worst..."

"**** that."

NICK AHRENS:

"I'll try Bob so I can see his butt physics."

"Oh, so he can cheat. That's great."

"He's summoning like a Final Fantasy character. This is bull****."

SEAN LOWERY:

"I hit him one time. I'm really proud of that."

ANDREW REINER:

"I just realized I forgot how to fight as Law." (quit after Round 1)

BEN REEVES:

"Why does the panda have beads? I want the grizzly bear."

JOE JUBA:

"What button does what?" (Joe lost)

After exhausting every strategy, I was finally able to take Azazel down with an incredibly cheap flurry of Hwoarang kicks. Tekken 6 just hit the shelves, so feel free to post your Azazel horror stories in the comments section below. Prepare yourself for seeing this screen an awful lot, however:

Texts From My Father As He Plays Resident Evil 4

2009-10-22T20:25:29Z

My dad (who some of you might remember from this) is not exactly a hardcore gamer. As a kid, I managed to get him into a few SNES titles, namely Super Mario Kart, Ken Griffey Jr's MLB, and Link to the Past. Once I grew up and left the house, he completely stayed away from gaming. However, like so many casual or non-gamers, he was fascinated by the Wii and bought one a couple of years ago. Considering he had shown interest in quality titles in the past, I thought I'd take a shot in the dark and get him Resident Evil 4 for his birthday and see what he thought of it. Despite being completely separated from the gaming world for almost a decade, he somehow got addicted to it. Here are the (safe for work) texts I've received from him so far regarding his experience:

"I swear these zombies are yelling something about Diet Pepsi to me"

"I think the guy that sells me things is Ben Stiller"

"I'm finding that zombies don't respond to reason"

"What the hell are these circle color thingies?"

"I don't think that El Gigante got enough hugs as a baby mutant"

"I can either get killed by a million crazy people with chainsaws, or one giant crazy monster that throws rocks"

"I just beat tall, fiery, skeleton-y guy"

"I swear the fire-throwing monks are saying 'Naughty S.U.V.' when they approach me"

"So apparently it's a bad idea to release a giant mutant guy with claws for hands from his prison cell"

"Being Ashley sucks"

"Do all games portray women as helpless?"

"Wolves shouldn't have tentacles"

Predict The Date Reiner's Desk Hilariously And Dramatically Breaks In Half

2009-10-21T00:02:00Z

I'm not entirely sure how long Reiner has had this particular desk, but I noticed today that it might not be long for this world. This rapidly expanding chasm could be one Reiner lean away from dramatically crashing to the floor, shattering his computer and crushing whatever weird Star Wars toys are hiding under there. He doesn't like it when I bring it up because it makes him nervous, so I'd have to imagine a blog post should keep his mind away from his soon-to-be pile of splinters and broken electronics.

WWE Community Creations Offers Countless Possibilities For Longtime Wrestling Fans

2009-10-14T22:02:00Z

Ever since create-a-wrestler debuted in WWF Warzone for the Nintendo 64 and PSone, the mode has been a staple in virtually every wrestling game. I remember tinkering with it obsessively back then, as the game was released at the height of the "Attitude" era of Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, D-Generation X, etc. Subsequent WWF (and later, WWE) games have always built upon this feature, allowing for increasing levels of customization for your characters. This led to the birth of a huge "CAS" (create-a-superstar) community online. Gamers shared formulas on how to create celebrities and fictional characters, and the most rabid and active wrestling fans created new superstars and retired legends. If Bret Hart is your favorite wrestler and you'd love to play through a season mode with him, his creation "recipe" was just a Google search away. Obviously, the publishers of the games can't include non-contract grapplers directly, but CAS has always provided fans with the tools to make them on their own.

SmackDown vs. RAW 2010 features the next step in customization and creation modes for the hardcore wrestling fan. Not only can you create Bret Hart, Doink the Clown, or Razor Ramon for your own use, you can now make them available to the rest of the gaming world via the new Community Creations feature. Fight Night Round 4’s sharing system almost immediately featured incredible recreations of boxers that weren't in the game (as well as Obama, Micheal Jackson, and various Rocky villains), and it doesn't take a psychic to realize that the same is bound to happen with created wrestlers from WWE's past. Those active online communities will jump at the chance to create the best Rick Rude or Mr. Perfect, and anyone with the game can download them and rate their quality.

Pushing the creative options even further is the new Create A Storyline mode. Now fans can recreate Wrestlemania X versions of Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon, even directing their own version of the Intercontinental Title feud leading up to the classic ladder match. I'll be shocked if we don't see storylines based on Bret Hart's gradual heel turn, the buildup to The Rock and Steve Austin's Wrestlemania XV title match, or the original NWO invasion soon after the game is released. These storylines aren't restricted to wrestling history, as someone blessed with plenty of free time could easily create all of the X-Men and make a storyline pitting them against Mortal Kombat fighters, for example. When someone chooses to download the storyline, they're getting the entire package – characters, dialogue, settings, and matches.

Granted, historic storylines and wrestlers only appeal to a select demographic of longtime wrestling fans. Many casual fans will just want to mess around in the game and throw someone off of the Hell In A Cell or play through Road to Wrestlemania. However, the tools are in place for sports entertainment fans to make this year's installment of SvR an especially enjoyable one.

If You Play Video Games, This AARP Video Might Give You An Aneurysm

2009-10-12T17:20:00Z

I don't have a problem with old people playing video games. It seemed like an impossible occurrence a few years ago, but since its release the Wii has popped up in nursing homes across the country. That's all well and good, but disaster strikes whenever the elderly attempt playing a game with controls more complex than "hey, swing this thing grandpa."

Need evidence?

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Thoughts:

- Isn't it awesome that most modern games can be played with "just one or two buttons"? I know Modern Warfare 2 is gonna be sweet now that they found a way to whittle the controls down to the left stick and X.

- You really need to figure out the boxes if you want to be good at games.

- Spongebob does look totally fun.

- It's as easy as hooking up a CD player to your TV? I'm willing to wager that no one over the age of 60 has ever hooked up a CD player to a television. Come to think of it, I don't know why ANYONE would need (or want) to do that, but I'm sure it would be someone's grandkid doing the setup if a nursing home wanted to.

How To Disrupt A College Lecture Hall

2009-10-07T23:18:00Z

While I started working here only a month ago, what you see above is technically my Game Informer debut in the October 2003 issue. I flew up here from Kansas City when I was 18 to shoot an in-store advertisement, and my friend and I stumbled upon this shark suit at the Mall of America. Naturally, we had to buy it and run around GI's offices like a couple of high school morons. Wait...how did I get this job again?

Anyways, the suit got its share of use throughout my college years, with the most memorable being our attacks on the university's biggest lecture hall. We'd get prepared in the bathroom, then time the attack perfectly, sprinting through the room mid-lecture. He was generally being chased by someone (in this video, a wizard and a scientist) or chasing something (typically a guy in a giant cheeseburger suit). My favorite moment involved us sprinting through the classroom and then being chased by TA's. The shark and the cheeseburger had to hide in the elevator for an awkward 30 minutes before they felt safe enough to leave.

Below are a few occasions that we caught on tape. There's some major shaky-cam stuff going on considering that we had to keep it hidden, plus we were cracking up while holding the camera.You'll notice a grey-haired teacher in the second attack, and we hit his class so much that he started barricading the doors with tables while he would do his lectures.

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How To Win $40 By Exploiting Your Lack Of Athletic Ability

2009-10-04T01:35:00Z

Like most gaming nerds, I've never exactly been a natural athlete. In three years of playing intramural basketball, I think I scored a total of five points. I thought I'd give wrestling a shot in high school and was promptly injured and unable to continue. Hell, I have a bag of ice on my knee as I type this, and I haven't even participated in so much as a brisk walk in weeks. So yeah, long story short, I'm no LeBron James (I'd imagine even Kevin James could beat me soundly in one-on-one).

A couple of years ago, I ran into an issue with my friend Dom. We were playing Wii Tennis at my apartment when he became overly exuberant and accidentally heaved the remote into the side of my oven. The remote broke, so naturally I requested $40 from him. Problem is...Dom is cheap. The $40 wouldn't come easy.

Cut to a few weeks down the line, and we're significantly intoxicated at a bar in Lawrence, Kansas. We were joking about my lack of athletic ability, and tried to imagine what a hypothetical one-on-one contest in basketball would be like (he's really good and plays all the time). Some at the table predicted that Dom would win without me scoring so much as a single point. Others thought that I could pull off a lucky shot and grab the upset. As the conversation continued, it started becoming less hypothetical and more "let's do this tomorrow and put money on the line." After many beers, we somehow arrived at this conclusion – we'd play to 15 by ones and twos, and if I scored a single shot, I win the $40 he owes me. If he beats me 15 - 0, I owe him $7. I don't remember exactly how we arrived at those numbers, but that's what we settled on.

We arrived at the University of Kansas rec center the next morning, notably hung over. The money was given to our mutual friend Ben, who would score the contest impartially and award the cash to the winner. Below is what followed, and I apologize in advance for the image quality and general shakiness of the footage (it was shot on a still camera by my friend's girlfriend, who was apparently very excited about what she was watching).

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