Spending A Day With My New Best Friend, The MGS V Collector’s Edition Hand

While I have largely weaned myself off the knick-knack poison of collector’s editions, I couldn’t resist the Metal Gear Solid V bundle. I’ve been a fan of the series since the NES days, and with this likely Kojima’s last hurrah (for real this time), I wanted to have something to remember this by.

When my package arrived yesterday morning, I rushed to unbox the included half-scale version of Big Boss’ hand. Is it (and the few other items included) worth the extra $40? Probably not, unless, like me, you adore the series.

My tiny Big Boss arm is my new best friend, and I’ve decided to start spending much more time with him. 

Earlier today, we decided we’d re-enact my favorite scene from the Metal Gear games. You know the one. A guard is nearby, so you pull out that man-sized cardboard box from your pocket and stay very still. Oh, Handsy. You’re such a cad!

After that, we decided to take the dog for a walk. Unfortunately, Holly is old and preferred to sleep. We spent time petting her instead. Handsy tried to feed her, and almost lost a plastic finger.

School is almost starting, and Handsy wanted to make sure to spend time with the kids, too. Paul was busy playing video games, so we just ducked in for a quick Handsy-five.

As we were leaving, Handsy told me I was an awesome Dad. It was so nice of him to mention my great parenting skills. Thanks, Handsy!

We retired to play some games together. It’s hard for me to find a group of people to play a tabletop RPG with, but Handsy was totally up for it. I was the Dungeon Master and set up a scenario with which he was familiar.

You enter an enemy encampment. As you approach a building, you hear a menacing grumble. Soon after, you hear the whimpering and wailing of a man in pain.

Handsy decided to approach.

The moaning and grumbling are joined by the sound of something liquid being poured into a toilet, but from where you do not know. What do you want to do?

Handsy moved closer.

There is a terrible stench as you realize the moaning is a man in bowel distress. You are poisoned by the smell. Bad luck, Handsy. Johnny Sasaki has killed you with his butt grumbling.

He wasn’t happy about losing, but he decided he was up for one more game. We decided to play Cards Against Humanity. That Handsy is a lot funnier than you’d think a plastic, mouthless, expressionless hand might be.

We ended our day with two of Handsy’s most emotional moments ever. I had to break some bad news to him. He didn’t know that Silent Hills had been canceled. If he had eyes, he’d have cried. Instead, he just touched the screen for a moment, wistful and mourning.

Their reunion made my cold heart grow three sizes. Handsy and Tiny Snake have been reunited, and papa rocked his little boy to sleep as we cuddled up for the night. 

Good night, Handsy. Good night, Tiny Snake. Good night, moon.