Analyzing Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate's New Monsters

When it comes to hunting, people often say that man is the most dangerous game. Those people are idiots; giant monsters are clearly way more dangerous, and the Monster Hunter franchise is loaded with them. If you don't believe me, join me for an analysis of the deadly new monsters of Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate, which launches on March 19.

I've never actually played a Monster Hunter game before, but I've already proven myself an expert at monster analysis, having tackled the terrifying and deadly creatures of Pokémon on two separate occasions. After assessing dozens of pocket monsters, I think a handful of new Monster Hunter monsters shouldn't be too hard.

Nargacuga (Rare Species)
Species: Flying Wyvern
Analysis: Holy crap, these monster hunters aren't messing around. This rare form of Nargacuga has the ability to turn invisible, and can also shoot poisonous spikes out of its spiky tail, which is overkill if you ask me. It's also classified as a Wyvern, which is basically a two-legged dragon...even though this thing clearly has four legs. I'm not sure what purpose the orange markings under its eyes and rainbow-colored scales on its chest serve, but I'm going to assume it's because even a ferocious monster likes to feel pretty from time to time.
Danger Level: High
Demeanor: Fierce Yet Fancy

Brachydios
Species: Brute Wyvern
Analysis: Alright, I'm just going to assume that Capcom decided to throw the whole "Wyverns have two legs" thing out the window, because all of these monsters have way too many limbs. This one also seems to be suffering from some kind of terrible illness, because it's covered in phlegm. Have monster hunters ever considered the possibility that maybe these guys are just ticked off because they're sick all the time? Or do they just jump straight to killing these creatures without considering what makes them monsters in the first place? I'm beginning to sense an injustice here...

The Brachydios have a weakness to water attacks, but I'm guessing a box of Kleenex and a dose of Nyquil would also do the job.
Danger Level: Medium
Gross-Out Factor: Off The Charts

Rust Duramboros
Species: Brute Wyvern
Analysis: The poor Rust Duramboros doesn't get nearly the amount of respect it deserves. Despite its menacing horns and deadly ax tail, this subspecies of the Duramboros has been nicknamed Pink Dobo, due to the coloring caused by living in the deserts of Sandy Plains. It's bad enough that monster hunters slay these legendary beasts for no good reason; calling them Pink Dobos is just demeaning.
Danger Level: Underrated
Respect Level: Ain't Getting  Any

Ivory Lagiacrus
Species: Leviathan
Analysis: Wait, what's going on here? This is just a crocodile with some extra horns. What the heck are crocodiles doing in Monster Hunter? Even its behaviors sounds like a crocodile: It feeds on carcasses and other animals to regain stamina...like a crocodile; when it's near death, it sleeps to recuperate...like a crocodile; it uses enhanced thunder attacks...like a crocodile. Well, two out of three ain't bad.
Danger Level: The Same As A Crocodile
Horniness Level: Pretty Horny

Lagiacrus (Rare Species)
Species: Leviathan
Analysis: Another Lagiacrus? How many different kinds of these things are there? This rare form of the Lagiacrus lives in underwater ruins and can shoot bolts of electricity from its mouth. How does it not electrocute itself if it's underwater? Then again, how do electric eels not shock themselves? Nature is a marvelous thing...
Danger Level: Shocking
Mere Existence: Nature-Defying

Jhen Mohran (Subspecies)
Species: Elder Dragon
Analysis: I've stared at this thing for five minutes and I honestly have no idea what the hell I'm looking at. Is this thing even alive? Does it have a head? The only body parts I can identify with any certainty are the horns coming off of one end of it and a foot. Maybe it's a foot. Monster hunters are doing this thing a favor by hunting it down and putting it out of its misery.
Danger Level: Nonexistent
Quality of Life: Abysmal

Ceadeus (Subspecies)
Species: Elder Dragon
Analysis: I see what's going on here. This subspecies of the Ceadeus is clearly hunted for its golden skin and horns. We've finally seen through the self-righteous claims that monster hunters are only trying to protect humans from deadly monsters – in reality, they're nothing more than common poachers. I bet these majestic golden creatures aren't even dangerous. Now we know who the real monsters are.
Danger Level: The Only Thing In Danger Is Your Virtue
Injustice Factor: PETA-Worthy

Guran-Miraosu
Species: Elder Dragon
Analysis: Finally we get to something that actually looks like what you'd expect an elder dragon to be. The Guran-Miraosu specializes in fire attacks, and can reportedly spew fireballs out of seven openings on its body. There's no combination of bodily openings that gets you to seven without at least some of them being dirty, so I'm guessing a fight with one of these creatures is as funny as it is dangerous.
Danger Level: XXX
Parental Discretion: Advised

Stygian Zinogre
Species: Fanged Wyvern
Analysis: This has got to be the most terrifying monster in the game, hands down. Look at that thing! It's all claws and fangs, for crying out loud. The Stygian Zinogre can also expel red and black lightning that reportedly does Dragon-Element damage. Since when is dragon an element? I need to study my periodic table...
Danger Level: The Highest
Sh-- Your Pants Meter: Loaded

Hungry Deviljho
Species: Brute Wyvern
Analysis: This deadly monster has so many teeth that more than half of them don't even fit in its mouth. No wonder it's drooling. The normal state of the Hungry Deviljo is that of the standard Deviljho in rage mode. Hungry Devilhjo's rage mode is even worse – that's when the haze and lightning starts shooting out of its face. So basically, you don't want to make it angry. Like the Hulk, but with more teeth.
Danger Level: Serious
Dental Plan: Needs One

Despite my inherent expertise, I referenced The Monster Hunter Wiki a bunch while writing this article. For more information on Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate's stable of monsters, check out their site.