It's A Max Payne Life

Max Payne has had a pretty miserable life, and it doesn't look like his luck will change any time soon. We dream up some humorous disasters awaiting Rockstar's hard-boiled detective, based on some Max Payne 3 screens.

Disaster #1: While showing off his new gun to his partner, things go horribly awry.
"Carl had been talking my ear off about his choice heater for months, so I couldn't wait to introduce him to my new acquaintances: Smith & Wesson. Unfortunately, the trigger's a little sensitive, and my new friends did more than talk. This will come back to bite me during my year-end review."

Disaster #2: A chronic inner-ear infection makes Max tip over at inopportune times.
"Trading lead with punks is tough enough, but every time my ear gets plugged, I eat more floor than a Hoover. Maybe if I look serious on the way down, these mopes will think I'm doing it on purpose..."

Disaster #3: Max's ear infection gets him fired from his new job as a window washer.
"I thought Lady Luck was finally smiling down on me; turns out she was just pursing her lips to spit in my face. I'm pretty good with a squeegee, but even I can't wipe away the shame of losing another job."

Disaster #4: Max suffers a herniated disc due to his constant falling.
"My doc recommended I hole up somewhere until I heal. 'You won't be much use to the law if you can't stay on your feet,' he said. I told him crime doesn't sleep, and a cat can't claw with all four paws unless it's lying on its back."

Disaster #5: Max finally agrees to a much-needed vacation, but his hired driver fails to meet him at the airport.
"I waited for my contact, but like everyone else in my life, he wasn't there when I needed him. If that's not bad enough, my cell phone reception is as spotty as a firehouse mutt. Now I have to carry my own duffle bag like an a--hole."

Disaster #6: After getting a ride from a passerby, Max falls out of the back of the truck, accidentally shooting a fellow passenger.
"I hoofed it for a few miles until a Good Samaritan took pity on me. Turns out his heart of gold was matched by a foot full of lead. Before I knew it, I was pulling up a seat on the pavement, and the poor sap riding with me had another hole in his head. Talk about embarrassing."

Disaster #7: After catching a bus, Max's attempt to point out his hotel to the driver ends in tragedy.
"We lazily rounded a corner, when my hotel snuck up on us like a bad hangover. 'That's it!' I yelled at the stony-eyed bus driver. Her face lit up with terror; don't tell me I forgot the safety again. What's Brazilian for sorry?"

Disaster #8: Without his glasses, Max has trouble identifying the hotel's cleaning staff, resulting in a deadly mistake.
"I slid the battered key into the lock, but heard rustling behind the door. Sneaking around to the window, I spied the culprits. One of the men was stealing my feather duster! I unloaded a clip into the thugs before realizing I hadn't packed my feather duster. Hell, I don't even think I own a feather duster. I'd better give these guys a generous tip."

Disaster #9: While attending a soccer game, Max falls down the bleachers, breaking his wireless headset in the process.
"I was looking forward to meeting some of Brazil's fellow soccer fans, but thanks to the slippery puddle left by a child's upturned snow cone, I got up close and personal with the arena's concrete stairs instead. Now my Bluetooth is crackling like a dime store firecracker; another eighty bucks down the crapper. I'm just going to assume all these Brazilians are cheering for the game..."

Disaster #10: Max's Cinco de Mayo party is ruined when his stash of fireworks ignites prematurely.
"I told those idiots not to smoke around my fireworks, but like a gang of drunken toddlers in a candy store, they just don't want to listen. Now my party doesn't have a finale. What the hell are we supposed to do after the BBQ?"

Disaster #11: Returning home, Max runs into more trouble in the airport.
"U.S. Customs is more uptight than Mother Teresa in a brothel. Every time I try to enter the country, someone's got a chip on their shoulder. I'm Max Payne; I carry around guns and shoot stuff. Deal with it already!"

Disaster #12: After extended use, Max's new pistol starts suffering from frequent malfunctions.
"This gun jams more than my upstairs neighbor's reggae band. Old Carl would be laughing up a storm right now if I hadn't shot him in the face with it. God damn it, I hate reggae music..."

Disaster #13: Max paid a crew to remodel his bathroom, but they disappeared after the demolition phase.
"Like my own shattered psyche, the inside of my bathroom is now a heaping pile of rubble caused by poor choices and collateral damage. This is the last time I hire remodelers off Craig's List."

Disaster #14: Despite extreme security measures, Max runs into more criminals in his apartment.
"I spent $200 on door locks. $200! That's more money than...I'm so mad I can't even come up with a decent hardboiled metaphor. These hoodlums are really pissing me off!"

Disaster #15: Max briefly discovers he can fly, but forgets how to a few seconds later.
"After years of loss and tragedy, I realized my greatest strength was inside of me all along. It just required me to let go of the guilt I've been carrying around, the heavy burden of my memories. Freed from their crippling weight, I can soar through the air! I now know what doves feel like. Nope, I've lost it again...this sucks."

Max Payne 3 will be available on May 15. For information on the game's multiplayer component, read the recent hands-on impressions from our sister magazine, Game Informer Australia.