eowulf’s opening cinematic delivers an important message. As this sequence brings players into a Danish kingdom rife with magic and monsters, it’s nearly impossible to concentrate on the story, as your eyes are drawn to the words “Press Start to Skip.” Originally, I found myself thinking it was an odd choice to have this message stay onscreen for the entire cutscene, but after playing the game, I now see it is intended as a warning. Those who enter Beowulf’s realm will confront something far worse than Grendel. Those who dare step foot into this cruel world will see unspeakable horrors, and will likely be bludgeoned to death by some of the most wretched gameplay mankind has ever conjured.

As it turns out, Beowulf is one of the most incompetent warriors to ever grace a game. He can’t wield a weapon for more than a minute without it breaking in his hands, most of his time is spent babysitting his troops, and his combat animations are fixed once they start – which leads to enemies teeing off on him in those defenseless moments.

Suffering defeat in battle is only the beginning of this legendary character’s struggles. Things actually get worse for him. Much worse. Through rhythm minigames that play like Dance Dance Revolution, Beowulf ends up looking like a cracked-out aerobics instructor. The purpose for these oddly placed minigames? To rally the troops into opening doors. Lame.

On the plus side, the game does a decent job of creating large conflicts, and you can feel the weight of each blow through the nicely designed hack n’ slash mechanics. Satisfying brutality is also delivered through Beowulf’s ability to enter a state of carnal fury. When his rage kicks in, you won’t believe how many bones this man can break.

This game also has a nice dark look to it, but its levels can be difficult to read, often leading you down paths that go nowhere. Additionally, the challenges often bring fun tags like “save the virgins,” but they usually just add more frustration to the gameplay.

In this day and age, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that a game based on a movie fares poorly, but for a character who has survived since 700AD, he deserves better treatment than this.